


Incorrect Trekkie Quotes

by scaryfangirl2001



Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [1]
Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Bob's Burgers Season 08 fusion, Ghost Whisperer fusion, Incorrect Quotes, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:41:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28582923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scaryfangirl2001/pseuds/scaryfangirl2001
Summary: A series of incorrect quotes starring our favorite VoyagersIncluding, but not limited to...Ch 1: ghost whisperer Jim, his husband Spock, antique salesman Bones, and everyone else along for the ride.Ch 2: parents Jim and Spock, and their dysfunctional kids Nyota, Hikaru, and Pavel
Relationships: Christine Chapel/Nyota Uhura, James T. Kirk/Spock
Series: Correctly Stated Incorrections [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1428805
Kudos: 2





	1. Source: Ghost Whisperer

**Author's Note:**

> I feel bombarded. Since November, cases have risen substantially. My brother and his boyfriend are quarantined since my brother's boyfriend's brother and brother's husband have the virus. So do my mom and my best friend. And another friend is having a shitty time with family members dying. There's no way I'm leaving the house unless I have to, and even then I'm anxious since I have a roommate now so we can actually afford to live here. Anywho... I recently started binge-watching shows in my room and thought - hey - I should make some more Incorrect Quotes to get my mind off things.

**_Pilot_ [1.1] **

**Nyota** : _[to Jim]_ It's amazing how much you miss somebody you never met.

 **Jim** : Did we forget to pay the light bill?

 **Spock** : I have a headache, and I crossed two wrong circuit wires in the basement.

 **Jim** : That's why you're a paramedic and not an electrician.

 **McCoy** : Are you telling me that Village Java is haunted?

 **Jim** : No, places aren't haunted, people are haunted.

 **Jim** : Let me see, two weeks in Bermuda or Bones’ salary?

 **McCoy** : Honeymoons are so overrated.

 **Jim** : _[to Spock]_ We’re in a life business. Death is just a part of it.

****

**_The Crossing_ [1.2]**

**Chekov** : For the first time in my life, I hate being young.

 **Jim** : Rizzo, I need to go talk to your mom, so I need you to stay with Bones.

 **Rizzo** : The doctor man? He's weird.

 **D’Amato** : Why won't she take the Vulcan? She got something against the ears?

 **Spock** : I'm sure she likes the ears.

 **Pavel** : Hey, Doc, I've got something for you.

_[gives him a rock]_

**McCoy** : You shouldn't have.

 **Pavel** : Rizzo, said it was safe.

 **Jim** : And if Rizzo said it was safe to jump in front of a moving truck, you'd do it too?

 **Spock** : Wait, didn't you say that kid Pavel was playing with him? Well, how could he see him?

 **Jim** : Kids can almost always see spirits. Where do you think imaginary friends come from?

 **Jim** : What are you doing here, anyways?

 **Rizzo** : Waiting for my mommy.

 **Jim** : Here?

 **Rizzo** : She told me when I get lost, I should just stay where I am, and she'll find me.

 **Jim** : Maybe she doesn't know where to look. It might be time to go find _her_.

 **D’Amato** : Relax Spock, I'm not going to haunt the girl... I just want to get to know her.

****

**_Ghost, Interrupted_ [1.3]**

**Spock** : Will wants to meet the Doctor before their date.

 **Jim** : Meet? Does he know we're talking about a dinner date and not a pre-nuptial agreement?

 **Sulu** : Have you ever heard of an antique related emergency?

 **McCoy** : Um, uh, no.

 **Leslie** : We slept together while my sister slept in the other room. I was drunk and feeling sorry for myself, I don't know what his excuse was.

 **Leslie Thompson** : You run an antique shop in Grandview, isn't that right?

 **Jim** : Yes.

 **Leslie Thompson** : And you're an amateur psychiatrist in your off hours?

 **Leslie** : I'm dead, Harper’s stuck in a nut house, and he's off to keggers, to score with sorority chicks.

 **Jim's Grandma** : Do you have any idea how many people I've helped cross over? I'm beginning to feel like a travel agent who's never been on a plane.

 **Leslie** : _[to Jim]_ I guess if you let on you can see me, the good doctor would lock you up too.

 **Leslie** : _[to Jim]_ My sister needs me, she's barely half a person without me. As long as she's in this nuthouse, I'm not crossing my legs, never mind crossing over.

 **Leslie** : Is that light out there for me?

 **Jim** : You're the only one who can see it.

****

**_Mended Hearts_ [1.4]**

**Stonn** : Was that a date?

 **Jim** : Did it feel like a date?

 **Stonn** : Well, she left before dinner arrived, so, roughly, I'd say yes.

 **Jim** : What's it like to have a second chance?

 **Stonn** : I'm still wondering what happened to the first chance.

 **Stonn** : _[(to his rehab group]_ I always felt I had one foot in the grave and the other one on a banana peel. _[silence from the group]_ Wow! Tough room.

 **Nurse** : Are you family?

 **Jim** : Well, in the family of man, yeah, I guess.

 **Jim** : Sorry we woke you. This one is having boundary issues.

 **Spock** : Don't they all.

 **Jim** : _[to Stonn]_ Why did you take the heart? To avoid death or to choose life?

 **Jim** : _[after Nurse Ghost helps Jim gain access to the donor records]_ Can I do anything for you?

 **Nurse Ghost** : Raincheck.

 **Jim** : You said there was one more thing you needed to do.

 **O’Neill** : It might seem kind of morbid.

 **Jim** : Hello... I'm talking to a dead person.

 **Jim** : You're not really here.

 **O’Neill** : Semantics.

****

**_Lost Boys_ [1.5]**

**Spock** : _[seeing a bouncing ball on their stairs]_ Umm, do you want to explain this?

 **Jim** : Tomorrow.

 **Jim** : I just figured it out. It's not me not liking Rand. I don't like who you are around her.

 **Spock** : I feel like I'm living in a John Carpenter film.

 **McCoy** : I'm listening to you. I'm just not paying attention.

****

**_Homecoming_ [1.6]**

**Jim** : _[about a baby in an incubator]_ So much sorrow for such a young life. I think what you're doing is great.

 **Angel** : It's a calling, like yours. You're helping someone who's adopted?

 **Jim** : He wants to find his mother. I'm hoping the hospital records will have her name, maybe an old address.

 **Angel** : Tricky business. Although from what I've learned over the years you can always count on the courts to have adoption records on file. Although getting to see them is another matter.

_[Monitor goes flat, and the Angel smiles gently.]_

**Angel** : Time for us to go.

 **Scotty** : I'm not going to try to protect him anymore.

 **Jim** : Protect him from what?

 **Scotty** : From his birth mother, she's not the angel he thinks she is.

 **Jim** : I have to tell a woman the baby she gave away eighteen years ago is dead, and then I have to tell her he wants to meet her. It's not the type of conversation you want to have over the phone.

 **Spock** : Or in person.

 **Nyota** : What's it like being dead?

 **Mallory** : Kind of like being a freshman all over again.

 **Jim** : We have company downstairs.

 **Spock** : Living or dead?

 **Jim** : One of each.

 **McCoy** : Either I have a fever or I'm seeing ghosts now too.

 **Mallory** : What if she doesn't remember me?

 **Jim** : I've never given birth but from what I've heard it's not something you forget.

 **Mallory** : _[to Jim]_ Waiting in line is worse than being dead.

 **Jim** : _[looking at babies in the hospital nursery]_ Someday we'll have one of our own.

 **Spock** : Four or five.

 **Jim** : Ouch! We'll definitely need a bigger house.

****

**_Angela and Mercy_ [1.7]**

**Jim** : I learned a long time ago, don't question the cosmic law of French toast.

 **Spock** : The what?

 **Jim** : I represent a patient of yours.

 **Nurse** : As in discharge?

 **Jim** : As in dearly departed.

 **Nurse** : _[about the morgue]_ They say this place is haunted.

 **Jim** : I've got news for you, they're right.

 **Spock** : Are we the puppet masters or are we the puppets?

 **Spock** : Where were you?

 **Jim** : Oh...I um...

 **Spock** : I figured a hospital that you must be in hog heaven.

 **Jim** : It's not all it's cracked up to be.

 **McCoy** : _[to Jim, about Spock]_ Sexy, sensitive, and indestructible. I've got to get me a woman like that.

 **Angela Martine** : Nobody can see me except for you.

 **Jim** : It's a gift I have. Can I tell you, you're a little pushy?

 **Angela** : If you were in my position you would be too.

 **Spock** : Am I dead?

 **Jim** : No.

 **Spock** : You never know with you?

 **Jim** : Robert, you should read her note I found it in her charts.

 **Robert Tomlinson:** I can't, you read it.

 **Jim** : Robert, I know you feel like this is your fault, but I want you to know that I don't blame you, you've always taken better care of me than I have myself from the day I first laid...

_[Overlapping voice of Jim and Angela]_

**Jim and Angela** : Eyes on you in detention and that hasn't changed today...

_[Completely fades into Angela’s voice]_

**Angela** : I've never felt more in love with you then when I watched you all worried and sweaty and careworn running beside the gurney when they wheeled me in here so please, please don't wallow. Oh, and if I'm not awake when you get back, don't forget to feed Daisy, and walk her, see you tomorrow, I love you.

 **Jim** : Angela.

 **Robert** : Wow, I guess we're even.

_[Robert gets up and leaves]_

**Angela** : Thank you.

_[Angela gets up and walks off with Robert until she fades into the light]_

****

**_On the Wings of a Dove_ [1.8]**

**Carol** : I'm so glad Leonard talked you into having lunch with me today.

 **Jim** : Actually, Bones told me not to come.

 **Jim** : I can see you and you don't scare me. What do you want with my husband?

 **Kodos** : It's not your husband I want, it’s you.

 **T’Pring** : What has the son of a bitch done now?

 **Jim** : He hasn't done anything except die.

 **T’Pring** : Well. I figured it would happen sooner or later. Looks like it's sooner.

 **McCoy** : Please, we saw _The Ring_ together, you stayed under your seat.

 **Kodos** : _[to his daughter]_ Find the parents of the man I killed. Don't tell them who you are. Befriend them. Do good things for them. Make their lives easier. Make a difference.

 **Jim** : Do you want us to go?

 **McCoy** : What's a malevolent spirit or two between friends?

****

**_Shadow Boxer_ [1.11]**

**McCoy** : Just once I wish one of those ghosts fooling around here buy something.

 **Spock** : Since you put meat and fish and pineapple on a pizza it’s not pizza anymore. You’re insulting pizza.

 **McCoy** : I’m sorry. Are you ok?

**Jim** : Have you been practicing at home?

**McCoy** : A little.

  * **McCoy** : Wait a minute. You’re planning on cooking?



**Jim** : Wish me luck.

**McCoy** : I wish Lee luck.

  * **Jim** : Wow! That’s really good! I can’t believe I made it by myself.



**Lee Kelso** : Right! Being dead means I get no credit.

****

**_Friendly Neighborhood Ghost (a.k.a. Ghost Next Door)_ [1.13]**

**Spock:** I don't get it. Why does a ghost dog need to go for walks?

 **Jim:** If I could answer that I could cross him over.

 **Spock:** Here's what I think. If we take the ball, throw it far enough, he will keep going, until he reaches the light. Right?

 **Jim:** _[After seeing a ghost flying in after Gary]_ Gary's not the only one moving in in the night.

 **Spock:** See anything?

 **Jim:** Nope, just Gary.

 **Spock:** Ah, maybe he (the ghost) likes to sleep in.

 **Jim:** _[To Spock]_ There's a ghost living across the street. You can pretend he's not there, I can't.

 **McCoy:** Jim, you saw the guy bury plastic bags!

 **Jim:** Yeah, it would be pretty stupid to bury evidence in your backyard, wouldn't it?

 **McCoy:** Well, we can test his IQ _after_ we call the police.

****

**_Last Execution_ [1.14]**

**McCoy:** Do you have to suffer to be an artist?  
**Jim:** No, I think it just gives you an edge over the competition.

 _[Spock and Jim hug]_  
**McCoy:** Could you cut it out? I gotta go home to an empty apartment.

 **McCoy:** Maybe I should just start fainting in front of firehouses.  
**Jim:** Are you kidding me? They would knock each other down to get to you! Paramedics, cops, Boy Scouts...

****

**_Jim's First Ghost_ [1.15]**

**Christine:** I'm not scared of ghosts if that's what you mean. I don't even know why you said that to me.  
**Jim:** I didn't say it.  
**Christine:** Yes, you did, yesterday.  
**Jim:** No, mom, I didn't say that...Gary said it. You saw him. You saw Gary.  
**Christine:** No.  
**Jim:** Yes, you did.  
**Christine:** Stop it, Jim. I didn't see him... I heard him.  
**Jim:** Can you see them?  
**Christine:** No. I don't know. Sometimes, maybe. I hate it, makes me feel like I'm crazy.  
**Jim:** Makes you feel crazy? Think about how I've been feeling this whole time, I was lied to by the one person that I'm supposed to trust the most.

****

**_Dead Man's Ridge_ [1.16]**

**McCoy:** Water takes five minutes to get hot, does that count?  
**Jim:** Five minutes? You are _so_ lucky!

 **Jim:** No, these things are almost never random, and if this place wasn't haunted to begin with, it means you probably brought something home with you.  
**McCoy:** Great. Take-out ghost.  
**Jim:** Don't worry, we'll get through this. Do you have any more ice-cream?

 **McCoy:** I am doctor. Hear me roar.

 **Jim:** I liked your hair in college.  
**McCoy:** Right, I would rather be chased by the haunted hiking boots than look like that again!

 **McCoy:** You guys are _too_ good to me.  
**Jim:** That's what couches are for.  
**McCoy:** Mmm...is there going to be a chocolate on my pillow?  
**Jim:** Not unless the cat throws it up! If anything happens, you just yell. You might want to sleep with the light on.  
**McCoy:** Are you kidding me? I'd arrange stadium lighting if I could!

 **Jim:** You know, in life, do you feel like we've done enough?  
**Spock:** Ask me in forty years. Well, if I can still hear you then.

 **McCoy:** And, uh, which of us has actually been making a living today?

 **McCoy:** Oh God, do we really have to do this?  
**Jim:** No, we could just let him haunt you. For the rest of your life.

 **Jim:** He wants you to know that he had a crush on you too.  
**McCoy:** Great, Jim. That's another one that got away.

****

**_Demon Child_ [1.17]**

**Jim:** Spock!  
**Spock:** Well, I was just trying to memorize the placement of all the furniture in the room, I'm awake!

 _[The baby wakes up]_  
**Spock:** Uh oh.  
**Jim:** What's wrong?  
**Spock:** Nothing, she woke up, I just got slimed.

 **Jim:** I am cooking for you tonight, and you are not helping me in any way.  
**Spock:** I'm backing away from the grocery bags.

 **Spock:** Me? I'll be happy to have a whole _brood_ of baby ghostbusters.


	2. Source: Bob's Burgers season 08

**Brunchsquatch [8.01]**

**Scotty** : What do you want?

 **Pavel** : A lot of things, Scotty, but right now I want money for a dog.

 **Scotty** : You owe money to a dog?

**Bones** : Am I drunk, or are you guys having a weird conversation?

 **Pavel** : Both!

**The Silence of the Pavel [8.02]**

**Pavel** _(on the phone)_ : Hello? Millie? Millie? Millie? Millie?

 **Hikaru** : Give it 12 more Millie's and call it a day!

**Bones** : Well, we're dissolving the poster business.Janine wants out.

 **Jim** : Aw, Bones, I'm so sorry.

 **Bones** : Yeah, well, the pet shop down the street offered to buy the rest of the posters at a deep discount. They're gonna shred them for hamster cage bedding. The guy was really impressed with how much hamster urine they could absorb.

**The Wolf of Wharf Street [8.03]**

**Bones** ( _exhausted_ ): Wow, running with a coffee table's hard. No wonder no one does that.

**Sit Me Baby One More Time [8.04]**

**Cyrano** : Why does that girl talk like a Gremlin?

**The Bleakening: Parts 1 & 2 [8.06-8.07] **

**Pavel** : Okay, before we do this, let's talk weapons. What'd everybody bring?

 **Nyota** : Wait, what? None. Why are we talking weapons now? There was a much better time to do this, back when we were near weapons.

 **Pavel** : Well, I have extras. You're welcome. _(sighs)_ Okay, here's what I got: ruler, for slapping or poking.

 **Hikaru** : Or measuring.

 **Nyota** : Pass.

 **Pavel** : Key chain, for stabbing.

 **Hikaru** : Or keys.

 **Pavel** : You could also take the key chain, and you could force it down a throat.

 **Hikaru** : Yeah, you could sneak it into someone's mouth.

 **Pavel** : Yeah.

 **Hikaru** : "Hey, what's that? Oh, keys in your mouth."

 **Nyota** : Wha-What else you got?

 **Pavel** : Uh, you know, mace, knife... but I'm keeping those.

**Spock** : All right, Nyota said the corner of Garfield and Jackson, but those streets don't intersect.

 **Jim** : She's not good with directions, Spock. Nobody is in our family. We're lucky we ever get anywhere. We're so stupid!

**Jim** : Listen, that thing can be explained. I don't know how, but it can.

 **Spock** : Well, we can't go down.

 **Jim** : No, Spock! We have to go forward. It's like IKEA. We can't turn back.

 **Hikaru** : Watch out for Swedish meatballs!

**Sleeping with the Frenemy [8.11]**

**Kevin** : We're going to a place where you can stand in four states at once. I'm gonna stand in California, Hawaii, Canada, and Chicago.

**Jim** : Alcohol does not solve problems, Miss Missy. It just makes them go away.

**Jim** : Spock, what's the racket down there?

 **Spock** : Oh, we're just, uh, making jewelry for your birthday.

 **Jim** : Oh, oh, I don't want to see! I don't want to see!

 **Spock** : Uh, but when you do see it, it's gonna look store-bought and sensibly priced.

**Nyota** : Christine, I'm out. I can't do it anymore.

 **Christine** : Uh excuse me?

 **Nyota** : It's not fair. I think Cyrano likes me. You're Milli Vanilli, and I'm those super-talented studio musicians that probably had to sleep in the same room as Milli Vanilli while Milli Vanilli farted up the place.

**The Trouble with the Doubles [8.14]**

**Nyota** : Babysitting is a lot of responsibility, but at the ripe old age of thirteen, I think I've learned a few tricks. Watch this. _(Yawns)_ Who's getting sleepy?

 **Hikaru** : _(yawns)_ Me. Oh, she's good.

**Nyota** : I mean, zombies are more sexy than scary, right? I think everyone would agree with that.

**Boywatch [8.17]**

**Jim** : Oh, you too, Sergeant Pike?

 **Sergeant Pike** : Shush! I'm undercover.

 **Spock** : You're wearing your badge outside your shirt.

 **Sergeant Pike** : Dammit! Just treat me like a regular customer.

 **Jim** : Okay. What'll you have, Sergeant Customer?

 **Sergeant Pike** : I'll have a... coffee.

 **Hikaru** : Very convincing.

 **Sergeant Pike** : Shush!

**Hikaru** : At least you get to keep that sweet whistle.

 **Nyota** : Uh, no. I have to return it tomorrow.

 **Pavel** : Can you at least play something one last time?

_[Nyota blows whistle]_

**Spock** : Better not. It's kinda shrill.

 **Pavel** : You love papa.

 **Jim** : What?

**As I Walk Through the Alley of the Shadow of Ramps [8.18]**

**Jim:** Give it another day, and if you still hate it after that day, you give it another day. And you keep going like that, forever. That's what working is. But it's not all bad. They pay you, and you get to go home after and say, "What a day!" and drink.

**Mo Papamy, Mo Problems [8.19]**

**Realtor:** I can see this house is winning you over! Do you think you're getting close to making an offer? Do you want to call your bank? Is that crazy?

 **Jim:** Uh, no, it's not, uh, crazy. Uh, I can call them right now.

_[Jim takes out phone, dials]_

**Jim:** 1... 800... Bank. Uh, hi bank, it's Jim. Uh, yeah, it's Jim with the money. Uh, how are interest rates?

**Nyota:** Full disclosure, this is squirrel blood, not human. Um, but each squirrel only bleeds a few ounces, so... do the math. _(Groans)_ So many squirrels! _She peels them_ _like fruit_ _roll-ups!_

**Mission Impos-slug-ble [8.20]**

**Dr. Styles:** Okay students, Mr. Yale is gonna watch you during study buddy time while I go outside to NOT smoke several cigarettes.

 **Mr. Yale:** Okay, do your math or whatever. I don't know. You're never gonna use it. I don't use it.

**Pavel:** Hikaru, you're gonna have to choose: Nyota, or me? I lost one sister today. Am I gonna lose a brother?

 **Hikaru:** Aaah! I can't decide! I'm like a sexy Switzerland!

**Dr. Styles:** So, you were gonna climb up that hose by yourself?

 **Nyota:** Oh, um, yup.

 **Coach Annorax:** Really? I teach you in gym.


End file.
